The Onion Dome

The Onion is known to be a satirical newspaper, and the Orthodox Church has it's own The Onion Dome, which is a hilarious parody of the areas where we Orthodox take ourselves a little too seriously. Paul looked some of these up tonight, and read them to us all while we all howled. Here are two that we particularly enjoyed.....They are no longer on their website, because they are publishing a book.

Originally published on The Onion Dome website.

COROC Synod Elects First Openly American Bishop
In a move which is being denounced, applauded, and/or ignored by many, the synod of the Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC) announced today that it has elected its first openly American bishop.

"There may have been COROC bishops before who were closet Americans," said COROC spokesman Father Vasiliy Vasileivich of Sydney, Australia, "but as far as we are knowing this is first American-born bishop with openly American lifestyle."

"I am appalled," said one COROC bishop who spoke on condition of anonymity. "You can be sure I am having voted against such mockery of Gospel of Jesus Christ. Was Our Lord American? Were Holy Apostles American? Holy Theotokos? No, this action is clearly showing COROC's disregard for Holy Bible and traditions of Fathers."

"Which of the apostles were Russian?" wondered our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.

"Hmf! Stupid new-calendarist sergianist ecumenist reporter!" said the Bishop, whose name by the way is SERGE Sergeivich.

"Hey! You were supposed to keep name in secret!" complained His Grace Bishop SERGE.

"Was it anonymous bishops in Nineteenth Century Russian synod?" asked our intrepid Onion Dome reporter. "No, it was not."

"This must not be seen as modernization or ecumenicalization of COROC," warned Fr. Vasiliy. "New bishop will still do services in Slavonic."

"It will just be badly butchered Slavonic," added our intrepid Onion Dome reporter under his breath.

"I kheard that!" said Fr. Vasiliy.

Response to this daring move has been mixed throughout the Orthodox and heterodox Christian worlds.

"Who? They did what?" said His All-Holiness PATRIARCHUS the Nth, Ecumenical Patriarch of Northwest Upper Central Eastern Midtown Istanbul.

"Who? They did what?" said His Holiness FEOFAN, Patriarch of Moscow, St. Petersburg, Nizhny Novgorod, and all the Russias Besides.

"Who? They did what?" said Frank Grizzly, presiding bishop of the Episcopal Anglican Catholic Protestant Church, USA.

"Who? They did what?" said George Smith, a janitor at a small independent Baptist church close to our intrepid editor's home.

The COROC faithful, on the other hand, have been staunchly behind the action of their bishops.

"Whatever," said COROC member Linda Kellogg of Boston, Massachusetts, USA.

"Could be," admitted COROC member Pierre LaBlanc of Paris, France.

"There'll be hell to pay for this one," said COROC member Vladimir Vladimirov of Dallas, Texas, USA.

"I am thinking this will be all right in end," suggested Fr. Vasiliy. "After all what is important is person's faith in Jesus Christ's holy COROC synod, not country name on passport."

"Maybe someday they'll make an Australian bishop!" suggested Bug Vasileivichivich, Fr. Vasiliy's son and erstwhile Orthodox rap star.

"That will to be day!" exclaimed Vladimirov. "Is hard enough to understand Slavonic with American accent. Australian accent would be impossible!"

Reutorooters and Untied Press Interrational contributed diddly and squat, respectively, to this report.

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Dear Father Vasiliy,

This may not get to you until after the election, but I am really not sure who I should vote for in this election. Neither candidate is Orthodox, and both have good and bad points, so it’s not easy to decide which one I should vote for. Can you give me any pointers for choosing political candidates?

Signed,
Voter in Vicksburg

Dear Vicksburg,

This democracy is new-fangled invention which was certainly not ever practiced in Holy Russia before Bolsheviks, whose name I spit on, deposed beloved Tsar and Father and ruin good country. What is God-given form of government? Of course this is autocratic Tsar. Thus to decide which candidate to vote for, determine which will rule most like autocratic Tsar. Which will make arbitrary rules and enforce them or not depending on whim? Which will launch glorious wars to bolster his own renown? Which will do most to make life miserable and therefore increase prayer and dependence on God among peasantry? Vote for this man.

—Father Vasiliy

This report was filed by intrepid Onion Dome editor Alex Riggle